Scary thoughts

To me, the fastest thing on earth is not the speed of light, nor the speed of bullet train, or whatever fast moving objects out there.

To me, the fastest thing is nothing else but TIME.

Seriously, it's passing by way too fast.

The thought of "What my future is gonna be like?" , scare the crap outta me.

Its scary. Very scary. 

It feels like yesterday I was still in high school, bandaging the students' wounds. Giving speeches and organizing camps, activities etc. 

When I was in high school, after school, I'll either stay back in school having meeting with the committee, or staying at Red Crescent HeadQuarters planning and organizing events.

Life was hectic back then, but it was rather enjoyable. It was great. Nothing but total bliss.

Juggling between school, tuition, home, and Red Crescent. 

2007, I left high school.

Went to Taylor's, Foundation in Communication July 2008 intake.

Where I met awesome friends. =) 

I still had my confidence back then. I had the guts to volunteer myself to be the project manager in the first day of class. I knew it was gonna be tough, but I still did it anyway. 

I had help from Amirul, Serene, Izzuddin, JQ, Aaron, Joanne, Christine, Imran.. and so many more people. We had sleepovers, late night talks, supper at 3am in the morning..

It was so much fun. 

I wished I could stay on in Foundation programme forever. 

Now, 2010. In Curtin. Yes I'm happy here.

I hate to admit this, but I'm no longer who I used to be. 

My confidence is at level zero, or probably negative. 

My self-esteem has gone down the drain. 

Yes I still behave the same way when I'm around people I've known for a long time. But when it comes to meeting new people, I suck. Totally horrible at it. 

I wonder what has happened. What was so powerful to pull me down this way. 

Time for self discovery.

I

(Note: this post was drafted on 21st May)

Today is the last day of my first semester. 

Well I'm not exceptionally happy nor sad.

I am happy, but not super happy until I feel like I can fly. Geddit?

I'm feeling rather.. Weird.

No not PMS.

I feel, happy+sad+grateful+many other feelings.

All mixed up like rojak.   =S

Why? Why do I feel this way?

I hate to feel bored. I don't like it at all. 

It makes me feel rather empty.

Sigh, I really miss year 2005 and 2006. The highlight of my life   :)

So what if I was only 15 or 16? 

I was surrounded with awesome bunch of friends, who're still super crazy today :P 

Sigh how I miss organizing events, gatherings.. I miss being around many many people, rather than facing the four walls in my room 

Le sigh

Beyond Grateful

I just thought that I'd take some time off from doing my assignments, to write some stuff on this half-dead blog which is collecting dust.


The past one week has been the most...tiring week ever. My mind didn't seem to be resting.
I take sooooo super long to fall asleep at night because I kept thinking about things. 
I was in a serious dilemma, and I didn't know what to decide on. Because, obviously, either way, there's always pros and cons. 
The decision was in my hands, I had to make the right decision.
The decision is now made, and I just wish for the very best.


Having said that, I'm extremely happy and glad that I have such a wonderful and supporting family. Words itself is simply not enough for me to express how touched I am. 
I've been shedding tears of guilt, tears of joy and.. I don't know how to say this, but I guess its just really awesome to know that you have people backing you up, even though you're in a different country. My dad and I are very close and we talk about many many many things together. I love talking to my dad, especially during road trips where my mom and brother will be snoring away in the car. I guess its just a father-daughter thing.    :)
I have a very different relationship with both my parents. with my mom, I'll talk about all the girly-stuff, go do our hair together, go for facial treatments together, and of course clothes shopping :D   Whereas with my dad, its more of, talking about more serious matters and also a bunch of lame jokes. (We can be really lame)  =p
In short, I love them both to bits!!!   I love you mommy and daddyy!!
(if I continue typing this I will start tearing again)


Uncle Tong and his family are really friendly people. They treat me just like part of them and give me their advices and opinions. Don't know how to thank them other than saying "thank you", but I surely will show my appreciation.
Uncle Tong was telling me, life is all about decision-making. and there's more to come.
As scary as it sounds, I guess I'm now more prepared to face the future and its upcoming challenges.


On a super happy note, I'll be back in 41days.  


As for now, back to my essay writing.



Till then, wishing all of you the very best in everything you do  =)

I am happy  :)


I am. Really!


I just finished my essay, like 100% finished it. Done with editing, done with cover page and all as well. I'm so happy. (Though I hope I get good grades for it, or else I will be rather sad)




I realized that I can be happy very easily. Just give me a cup of hot choc with marshmallow and I'll be smiling like a big kiddo  :)


I know I complain a lot, like, really a lot. About everything I could possibly complain about.
Truth is, I am a girl, and we are whiny like that. (Or at least I am)


I love making people happy, seeing people happy. That's one of the reasons why I love to plan surprises and getting presents for people on special occasions or even leave them a simple and sweet message. Because I know for a fact that I can't possibly be there for every. single. one. of my friends when they are sad/feeling down.
I want them to know that I appreciate their presence in my life.




On a totally random note, I've been thinking a lot for the past few weeks.
I kept wondering, where is my life leading me to, or rather, where am I leading myself to?
What am I going to be when I graduate?
Will I be a successful person? When I say successful, I don't simply mean being able to have 3 meals a day. I want to make an impact. (I know some of you are thinking, this girl is having bimbotic thoughts) 
Think whatever you want, because this is just simply how I feel.


I want to be able to bring my parents to travel.
I want to be able to help my parents to pay for my younger brother's college fees.
I want to be able to do so many things..So so so so so many..
Question is, HOW will I be able to do it? and will I be able to achieve what I want to accomplish?


I admit, I'm not particularly smart, which explains why I didn't get a scholarship.
I'm not stupid either, because if I am, I won't be sitting here and typing this post.
But its okay, I am happy with my level of intelligence. I know when to be serious, and when to have fun.
I know the right studying method that works for me. I know that I will be better, the more I practice.



I know that I am truly blessed, to be able to study without having to worry about anything much other than my studies.


I love my life and I'm happy with it   :) 

To treasure, for life.

You don't need many friends. You only need one. Your one and only true best friend.

It's amazing how fast time flies. Ling is in her 2nd year in Uni now, and she has another 2 years to go before she step into the working world.

Before she left for Singapore, we hang out together almost every single day of our lives. During highschool, we hang out during the weekends and stuff.

I never hated growing up. But now I do. 

I wish we were still two kiddos enjoying our own sweet time, doing anything and everything, without worrying about money, without worrying about assignments, without worrying about exams, without worrying about our other responsibilities and priorities in life.

For the past two years, I know that I'll be seeing her again after a few months, at most 6months+.

But now, as I am leaving the country soon, I know I won't be seeing her, until the end of the year.

This feeling sucks. Big time.

It sucks even more, when she's the only person I'm 100% comfortable with when I go shopping. I can talk about anything and everything I want, without worrying that what I do would ruin my image or whatsoever. We enjoy laughing at each other's un-glam moments, bimbo moments, drop-hotel-key moment. We enjoy laughing at the stupid lame jokes we make, although nobody else finds it funny.

I hate goodbyes.

The friendship between us is not common, and I will treasure it, for life.

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other, everywhere." 

- Tim McGraw

Fragile

It is. Life is.


One moment you're here, a few seconds later you might not be in this world anymore.


Each time I hear of someone's death, it makes me think. Alot.


Honestly, I'm afraid. I do not want to lose my loved ones. Who would want that to happen?


Sigh. 

While life is so short, so fragile, so precious, we are spending our time ranting about every single thing under the sun. Its time. Its time to wake up and treasure each moment, make it worth while.

The never ending

So, lets see. Where do I start from?


Life has been pretty much boring lately, but I know it'll be better from tomorrow onwards, because Ling will be back from Singapore!


Someone new will be coming to the clinic, and replace me, and I can stop work as soon as the new girl is familiar with the surrounding and workload and yadi yada.


I'm not a big fan of PC Fair, because I know nothing about comps and technology and whatnot.


My younger bro wanted to get a monitor for himself and we went there..blaahhh blahhh blahhh.. The rest need no explanation. Not like you'd care to know what I did the whole day, right?  :)


Its already December. 6th of December. 
Time flies. Its sooo freaking fast that its creepyy.


I know its a lil too late to talk about the year 2009, coz its not exactly the end of it. But, I just feel like I want to pen down how I feel.


2009. 
Up Down Up Down Up Down. Worse than roller coaster ride.
Thank God everything was fine before my 19th birthday. More than fine actually.
Shit I'm turning 20 next year.  


I hated each and every single second of final semester in college. But thanks to a few wonderful people I met in college, I made it through  =)


There were so many different types of people. Some control-freak, some nutcase people, some even think that they're so-cool-they-can-do-whatever-they-want. It annoys me.


My closest friend in college? Joanne Choo Jun Qi !   :)
Yes, we may not sit together all the time in classes, we may not hang out together all the time in college.. But when we're together, we have the time of our lives! 
We have crazy camwhore moments. We have maddddd webcam sessions. Its been, blissful :)
I love you Sui Za Bor~!


In less than 2 months, I will be facing a whole new environment. A foreign place. New people to met and befriend with. New rules to learn. New surroundings to adapt to. and most of learn, all the thing in the world, have to be done by myself. Gotta be more and more and more and moreeee independent. 


 Well, at least I have my camera to accompany me when I'm bored. I shall learn more techniques,  to capture more important moments in life.


2010, I'm ready.  =)

Cinema?

I realize that I no longer feel like going to the cinema anymore.


Really.


I'm not willing to spend RM10 on a two-hour show.


I'd rather spend the RM10 on food/drink, where I can sit down and actually talk to my friends/family.


The last time I went to the cinema was when my parents wanted to watch the Singaporean show, "Where Got Ghost".


Is this a good sign? Because I'm not spending money on movies anymore?

I don't even buy DVDs anymore. Gosh what's wrong with me?!




Lately, I've been asked by Christine to join them for Lagoon, karaoke and movies.
I said no to all of the above.


I feel bad. But I really don't feel like paying for it..
1) Lagoon - Pay 50 bucks to play with water? No tq.
2) Karaoke - Oklah once in a blue moon still not that bad. 
3) Movies - Elaborated above. hehe


I'm sorry for not being there for outings, but I really feel like I need to control where I spend my money on.  =(


Ling and myself are going to Genting. Because we're cheapskate like that. LOL
Nola actually Genting is a nice place. Not too far, cooling weather, not too expensive.


Afterall, all we want is a getaway. We just wanna spend quality time together and nothing else.


I remember the both of us standing by the roadside when it was at night, just to try and see how long we can withstand the wind and the super cold weather.
I remember the both of us eating 1901 Hotdogs at night when it was super cold.


It was fun.  :)

Of dreams and achievements

What am I good at?


Hmmm. Good question I'd say.


I want to achieve more in life. I want to, and I will.

I owe you

Yupps, I guess I owe you (who's reading my blog now) a proper update on my life and myself =D


We had a BBQ party at Amirul's place the other day. It was awesome. I had my first photography class, thanks to my sifu, Kit. =)
Managed to catch up with my ex-college mates and it was beyond fun. 


Sometimes you don't have to do extraordinary things to hype up the situation.


You just need the right group of people, agree? :)


So, yeah I'm still working. 
6 days a week. Sometimes I really have no energy to go to work. Driving all alone to Damansara and come back everyday is so sickening. I hate traffic jam. I really do.  =S
I guess I'm right, I'm not an office person, AT ALL.
Doing the same thing everyday can kill me. Literally. 


Christine and Kit has been such sweethearts to visit me during work. Although its a short 10-15mins visit, it means so much. After facing the comp for AT LEAST 6 hours a day, you need some sort of interaction :)


Nothing beats catching up with your old buddies.
So what if you haven't chat with your friends for ages (when I say ages, I mean many weeks/months)


Ling and I used to talk to each other almost everyday when she was back in Klang. 
Either through phone calls/sms/msn/mamak sessions.


Now that she's in Singapore and I'm in Klang, we communicate mostly via MSN.
Even though we hardly chat much nowadays, I'm not worried at all, because I know our friendship won't fade just because we don't talk as much, because when we do start, we can hardly stop :)
Miss you babe. Can't wait to see you in Dec, and our lil holiday getaway!






I need a life. Seriously. I feel like there's so much more that I can do, as compared to what I'm up to all these while. 
I don't want to go a shopping mall every weekend and spend all my time there spending my hard earned cash on my wants.
I don't want to go to fancy restaurants all the time and eat expensive, overrated food. 
I don't want to put on make up every where I go and worry about how people think of me.


I want to live a life and have no regrets when I leave this world.
I want to go trekking. I want to sky dive at different places. I want to have my own company. I want to go travel and see the world. I want to go backpacking with my best friend. I want to bring my parents to places they want to visit.


There's so much to do, so little time, and often nobody have the same thoughts as me.

Sometimes I wonder, what does life has to offer me? Or rather, what else is there to offer to myself?

Expectations

I admit, I expect a lot from myself, as well as people around me, especially those whom I know they CAN do the task given to them.


If I was assigned a task, and the deadline is 2 weeks from now, I'd make sure I complete the task a few days before the deadline. (this of course excludes assignments)


What I mean by "task" here is simply Event Planning/ something that I'm passionate about.
I am super addicted to organizing event, with the right group of people of course.


That's why I really love organizing events with my Exco. Everyone is so efficient, everyone do their part, and in the end, the event always turn out to be more successful than we thought it would be.


I think some of my previous classmates might realize that I tend to get really frustrated and moody when things doesn't go the way it should be. Well I know that its a bad habit, I guess thats what I need to work on -- Not to be moody when things doesn't happen as expected


Whenever I complete something, just for the sake of completing it, I tend to feel lousy. I tend to feel really useless. And oh boy, that feeling sucks.
Big time


For as much as I can, I'd try to do the best whenever I do anything. Call me a perfectionist, whatever. To me, making the best out of what I have is compulsory. What's the point when you have all the resources, but you don't utilize it 100%?


And I hate to wait for people who're late. Late for 5-10mins? Still acceptable. 30mins? You think for yourself, and try putting yourself in the position of the person who's waiting for you. If it only happens once in a while, its fine, but not every time your alarm clock fail/your dog died/you had stomachache/an important call came in/your car broke down RIGHT? 
You tell me to be there at 11, I'll be there 15-20 mins before that. Not because I need to, but because I want to.
I'd rather leave my house early and sacrifice time for my beauty sleep, rather than being late.
To me, being late is just something that I can't tolerate (especially after being trained for being early when I was in High School)


Unless I'm in a good mood, or else, seriously, don't test my patience. Especially when I'm all alone. I get really bored and I feel like I'm wasting TIME.


AND PLEASE! Don't ask stupid questions. Don't. Don't. Don't. When you ask stupid questions, it reflects something and thats it -- You are not concerned. You are not paying attention. 
What I mean by stupid questions?  Figure it out. 


Man, I sound like a total bitch.
But, I don't care.


Its just my perspective and my way of viewing things. Don't like it? There, there's a X button on the top right corner. Click it.  


Cheers! :)

StorySession1

10 years+ ago, we were three lil' young girls.

All we did was have fun, played Doctor-Patient, where we had our cupboards with the stickers labelled with alphabets. Just like how the cupboards in real clinics were labelled. We had separate cards with names for our "patients" with names like, Timothy Tan and etc.

Then we played SalonSalon!

where we would use all the combs and hairdryer in my house, and put a stool next to the basin in the washroom, and pretend to "wash our hair". and the amount of oil/conditioner/hair styling products we used. It was all about this three alphabets - F U N.

Then we played...urm..lets just call it Hospital. :P

We were the "patients", "doctors", "nurses", "ambulance crews".. Because there were only 3 of us, so we had to switch our "roles" almost all the time. But it was awesome. Really memorable moments. I remember how we used to shout and moan as if we were in pain, and others will "comfort" the ones in "pain"

I also remember there was once, we were playing with water and bubbles. we were in the bathroom, splashing water all over each other for a looooooong time, until the tank was out of water, and we had nice scolding from the parents. HAHA.

And remember our Kemahiran Hidup's carpentry work?

We had to paint our so called Kerja Kayu, and we decided to MIX the PAINT on the newspaper. And me, being the genius, decided to put my hand there and try to make a handprint or something, then Rach joined the fun, so did Evie. From one hand each, all three of us decided to have MORE fun, by putting both our hands in the puddle of paint.

Note : we only had ONE bottle of paint thinner.

After a while of playing and fooling around, we decided to stop playing and wash our hands.

THEN! I forgot whose leg or hand accidentally knocked down the only bottle of thinner. and we were like SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Rach got her foot cut by the pieces of broken glass. Me and Evie were freaking out and wondering what to do. It was already midnight. And their parents were asleep. We decided to be smart! we went to the washroom to CLEAN our hands and YES, the washroom was also dirty by then.

We had noooo choice but to wake their parents up and told them what happened.

It was super scary I tell you. But I bet we will remember that incident, for life! right?

There's so much more to say, so many stories to tell.

Stay tuned for the next story telling session :P

Evie. Me. Rach

I know its true :)

People come and go.

No matter what it is. I know you guys will be there, forever. And I mean it.

Its amazing how we can hang out together, despite the differences between each and every one of us.

Its amazing how we can organise events together, and have so much fun, despite having a few minor problem along the way.

We've known each other since we were in Form3, when we were still a bunch of quiet,shy,know-nothing-about-anything kids.

After 2 long years of training and organising this and that, we've grown up. So much.

We've developed friendship which will remain, that, I know for sure.

Things go wrong at times, but which friendship doesnt go through the same process?

I am so glad to say, I've found awesome people like you in my life.

2006 was the best year of my life, thanks to all of you *hugs

Exco 2006, I love you guys!

MEB 2006 - Kenangan Terindah :)

Silence

I love silence, especially when I'm alone/stressed/sad.

I prefer to be left alone when I'm upset, as I do not like people coming to me and asking 100000000001 times of "Are You Okay?"

Helloo!? Of course I'm not okay..If I'm okay, I wouldn't be sad right? Wth.
People who know me well are really good at making me feel better. They will just leave me for a while, say 10-15mins ('coz thats the time I need to be by myself and everything will be better) , then they will start making lame jokes/laugh at my stupidity/curse the person who made me feel sad/emo and many many more..

No offence to those who tried to offer help by asking "are you okay?", but, do YOU like people to ask you the same question when it is freaking obvious that you are so NOT okay?


How many of you are really really really really really close to your parents/family? As in, you tell EVERY SINGLE THING thats happening in your life? Do let me know. I'm really curious.

I really envy those girls whom their mom is their best friend, whereby their mom will talk to them about everything from make up to cooking to crushes and the list goes on and on. (Okay, I bet you get what I'm saying)

I also wished that I had a sister around my age, best example would be Evie and Rach, my cousins. :)
Yes they can argue like nobody's business and make me feel awkward as the middle person, but at the end of the day, they will be just fine..
Its really nice to have someone to talk to at night, before you fall asleep; or when you're stressed; or when you want to talk about your lil' secrets.

When I'm at home, I spend most of my time in my room. Its the place where I feel like, its just me and my world.
I can be really happy and hyper, and also super emo.

And before anyone of you thinks that I'm not happy with my family, its not like that. I am happy with them. Its just some of my thoughts, about having a super close relationship with my family.
The person who is the closest to me in my family now is my younger brother. He will come into my room and irritate the hell outta me, but I love him loads. He can make me laugh like a mad woman by doing all his famous underwear show and silly dances.. Maybe because of the never-changing age gap, I don't think I will ever be able to be SUPER DUPER close with my parents.

Have you ever thought about it?

Ever felt left out?

You were close with certain someone/group. Then suddenly you feel like you're left out. You feel like you no longer understand the jokes they make, you feel like you do not know whats the latest gossip amongst them, you simply feel like you don't belong.

Then you will start thinking to yourself : "Sigh they/him/her don't like me anymore" OR "Sigh they/him/her don't call me out for movies/outings/whatever you guys used to do together anymore" OR you will just keep sighing/emo or you will just simply make up all sorts of excuses,reasons as to why are they leaving you out.

Truth is, are you being left out or did you choose to be left out?

We are all human. Your friends are human, my friends are human. Unless you live in some other planet where some other creatures are your friends.
The reason why people ask you out is because they CHOSE to be friends with you, they chose to spend more time with you, they chose to have fun with you. But most of the time YOU chose to say no. You chose to reject all those offers. No matter what reasons you may have, no matter what problems you have, no matter what shit is going on in your life, don't ever forget that other people have their own problems too.

It is absolutely fine if you cannot make it a few times,but if you were to turn them down 9 out of the 10 times that they ask you out, your actions might result in them being fed up/upset/dissappointed in you, and thus - Ta-DAH! No more phone calls/sms that says "Hey,wanna go out later?"

Ask yourself, is that what you really want? Well it might be a relief to some people, because they might find those offer irritating at times, but after a while, you will come to notice that you know nothing about your friends' life anymore. Absolutely nothing. ZERO.

Before you blame your friends for so called "abandoning" you or making you feel left out, why don't you start to think about what have YOU done.


This post is not a message to anyone in specific, but if you feel like you're not doing your job as a GOOD friend/cousin/son/daughter/parent/whatever, then perhaps you should start dialling the numbers on your phone at this very moment. :)