Thursday, October 7, 2010

How do you spell the word "good"

I wish I could be a better person.

Sometimes uncertainties in life make you somewhat blurred about the future, sometimes even something that is staring right at your face makes you spin right round. (Okay I didn't make sense did I) Sigh.

I know hardly anybody reads this space anymore, but this is a personal space of mine for me to jot down my thoughts and scribble nonsense whenever I want to.
There is so much I want to do in my life. So often I let go of all those chances just because I'm afraid of what others would think of me if I fail. Yes, I'm a sore loser. I have not failed any subjects since primary school up till now. I am a very competitive person. I trained myself to either do well, or do extraordinarily good. Failure was not an option. I have extremely high expectations of myself. As long as its not 75% and above, its not good enough to me. That's why I am so very picky when it comes to assignments. Heck, even little things like how to hang my clothes or even how much to arrange my items in an orderly manner, I am sooooooo darn picky. Yes I may sound like a perfectionist, who has a super tidy and neat room, a clean study table free from random items such as cotton buds, left over bread and what not. But I'm not. My life and my thoughts, they are all over the place. Just like my room. It totally reflects on my life. 
So messy. So, so messy. 

Some people said I'm a confident person. I do my work with all my heart.  I don't care what others think about me. 
Truth is, every single day before I leave my room, no matter where am I heading to, I'll at least try on 3 different shirts/skirts/pants/dresses. Just to look good. Just so I can actually FEEL good and be slightly more confident. How people think of me, matters SO SO SO MUCH to me. I cannot bare knowing someone dislike me or even think that I am not a nice person to hang out with. I know nobody is perfect in this world, but argh. (Gawd I don't even know what am I typing anymore)

I have everything I want in life. Awesome family members, caring friends, parents who are willing to sacrifice and pay so much for my education. I don't have any life-threatening diseases, nor do I live in an unbearable condition.

Today, I also received my first Fail in my life. No, I didn't fail any exams whatsoever.
It was my assignment. I scored 48/100 for my Management assignment.
Reason: Lecturer mentioned instruction ABC, another tutor mentioned instruction XYZ.
So, since the lecturer is like the leader for the subject, I followed his instruction. But, because I followed instruction ABC, I was penalized for "NOT FOLLOWING MY INSTRUCTION"--Quote the tutor with instruction XYZ

Yes, its very near the passing line. Yes, some of you may think "aiyah this girl nothing better to do, like that also wanna complain"

The thing here is, many people told me to complain to the lecturer about it. I didn't. 
Num 1: Lecturer and tutors = 1 team of colleagues. I'm sure the lecturer will have something good to say about the tutor anyway
Num 2: I realized that things happen for a reason. In the future, there will be conflicts of instructions from various decision makers. It may be the two marks that I've lost that made me so upset. But these 2 marks, are the best marks that I've lost. 

You may not understand what is the big deal. but it's okay.

Today, I became wiser.


Jeannie said...

I understand IT IS A BIG DEAL !!!

Girl, it happened to me to last few months, sigh!
On assignments.. Lecturer and tutor bo ngam, but we're the victims...

We were told to have a mini campaign, but none of the people telling us that we're gonna do a REAL campaign !! end up, we did a normal presentation 'on the campaign'. we're the first group to present, and made mistake. omg ! I was like damn screwed !!! Moreover, I'm the team leader ! haih ! I felt so guilty.
It really matters.
I know our group lost lots of marks from there.
I can't hold my tears when my tutor made comment on it.
It's so soooo..
can't really describe!

But I can't blame neither of them. I shouldn't assume,I should really consult her kao kao!!

Miscommunication.. still happening on lecturer and tutor who're teaching comm. my gosh!

I know how you feel...
It's really sucks !!!

ah minghui said...

cheer up yo awesome-o.. little setback like this won't deter your awesomeness..